When the Pain is Gone Read online

  Alan went around to the driver’s door and climbed in. He looked over at Rich, who was leaning against the window, emitting soft moans. Alan shook his head. “Pitiful. Plumb pitiful. I oughta just shove ya out and leave ya here, let them fellas find ya when they come to check out the fire. It’s not like you lost an arm or a leg. It was an ear. One lousy ear. And it’s been days now. I’m tired of hearing your moanin’ and groanin’. Man up and shut up!” He slammed the truck door, started it up, and pulled out of the driveway.

  Chapter 2

  We’d lost people. We’d lost family. We had to go on; but how did we move forward from here?

  We knew there were bad people outside the “walls” of the farm but we hadn’t had to come face to face with them, not really. Sure, we had encountered scavengers hell bent on taking whatever they wanted no matter who it might have belonged to or, for that matter, might still belong to. We had suffered injuries as a result. But even a gunshot wound is not the same thing as the death of one of our own. A gunshot wound will heal. The hole will eventually close, leaving behind a scar in its place. The scarred area will actually be tougher than the original skin. This wound—this loss—was going to take a whole lot longer to heal and the empty space in our hearts would probably never close. You try to move on and not wallow in the grief and sadness but that’s a really hard thing to do. Life continues, despite your pain, and you still have to eat, sleep, work, and live. If you have people depending on you, your family, and friends who have become family, you can’t stop living. It just feels more like existing at the time.

  Life on the farm changed after the loss of Pete and Bill. Before the attack, we had been performing our assigned tasks, standing our watches, living life in the new powerless world; trying to build a lifestyle that didn’t depend on electricity anymore, since there was no light at the end of the tunnel—literally. But we hadn’t felt the impact of the horrors a world like this breeds until then. We still had to do those things. We just saw everything in a new, darker, more sinister view. We still had chores to do; we had livestock counting on us for food and shelter. We had vegetables growing in gardens that needed tending daily now that summer was finally here. We had a pretty large group of people who had to be fed, clothed, and protected. It was the mood and the atmosphere around us that had changed. We were no longer untouched by the evil that was lurking outside our home. We had experienced firsthand what the world was becoming— an ugly and dangerous place.

  Where before we had the feeling of safety in being invisible to the world, now we felt exposed. Steps were taken to reinforce what were perceived as weak points. The opening Pete had cleared was covered over with deadfall and made to look impassible, which it pretty much was. We couldn’t put the trees back that had been pulled up or pushed over, but we piled them up as a natural barrier that no one was going to drive over or through. A lookout post was set up in the barn loft which could oversee the house, the bunkhouse, the small livestock pens, and the campground. Sheets of metal roofing had been hoisted up to create a protection barrier with a row of sandbags on either side of it. The same was done at the tree house. We were no longer hidden from the outside world so we tried to prepare for the next fight, which everyone was sure was coming.

  Sara was mourning the loss of her husband but she still had Tony to take care of and appeared to be pushing her grief down as she worked to protect her son. Her entire outlook on the world around her changed. No longer was she worried about other people’s children. She was focused on her own. She seemed to become obsessed with his safety and consequently his ability to keep himself and everyone around him safe. They both went to gun training class every time it was held, which was every day again. We needed everyone to be armed at all times and we needed them to know how to handle a pistol or revolver, to be proficient with their sidearm of choice, as well as at least one rifle, and to always be on guard for any situation that might call upon them to use it. We had emergency drills where Mike and Monroe taught us how to react to different situations, including tactical movements that involved every man or woman over the age of fifteen. It scared the hell out of me to see my son doing drills used by our military, and I hoped and prayed he’d never have to use that knowledge. Everyone also learned how to clean pretty much any gun on the place because a clean gun is a more reliable gun as everyone knows. Even the smaller kids were taught how to use a boresnake and could load magazines with the help of a tool called an Uplula. Sara brought Tony with her to every training. She wanted him to be able to protect and defend himself if she wasn’t with him, which wasn’t very often these days. He had no qualms about learning to use a gun and they both turned out to be pretty decent shots. Tony could be found sitting on the front porch or patrolling the yard with a rifle when he wasn’t doing chores. While he was still too young for security watches, he took it upon himself to become the house patrol. Sara and Tony had taken their tragedy and heartache and used it as the reason to change the course of their lives. They appeared to be coming out of this stronger and more self-reliant than before. Pete would have been proud.

  Ryan went through a much larger change, actually the biggest transformation of us all. He was a completely different person. Gone was the fun-loving, always laughing and cracking jokes young man we had come to know and love. Left in his place was a quiet, sullen, empty soul. He took every security shift Mike would let him have and spent that time in the tree house with binoculars trained as far as he could see. If anyone had asked me, I would have said he was constantly looking for the men who killed his brother. Would he know them if he saw them out there? Did he get a good enough look at them? That was a question I had asked him when we served a watch together.

  “Yes, Anne, I’d know them. I picked a random one out of the bunch and took him out but I saw the rest of them through the rifle scope. I’ll never forget their faces and I won’t rest until I know every one of those murdering bastards is dead.”

  I knew he had every right to feel the way he did but the loss of our lovable Ryan was so hard to handle. I was afraid his obsession would take him down a darker path than even the killers were on. Would he ever know joy again?

  “Oh honey, I know you’re hurting. But it won’t always be like this. The pain won’t always be so raw. You’ll find a place to store it inside you so that you can go on and find happiness, maybe even find someone to be happy and share your life with. Bill wouldn’t want you to stop living because he’s gone. I’m sure he would want you to live life to the fullest for his sake, in his honor. Do you think he would want you harboring all this hatred because of him?”

  Ryan turned to me with complete calm. “He’d do it for me, make sure they paid. Besides, I’m not that goofy little brother anymore. I’ve changed on the inside. It’s like when you break a car window. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. It will never be the same again. Even if you try to put it back together—even if you could—it would never be like it was. It would become something new, something different. That’s how I feel, Anne. I’ve picked up the pieces, and tried to put them back together, but I’m not the same. I don’t think I’ll ever again be the ‘me’ I was before Bill was killed. The new me is broken and mended … but definitely something else.”

  I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him and hold him until he released it all but I knew that wasn’t what he wanted or needed. He wanted distance from relationships of all kinds and needed his space to work things out. I turned away and wiped the tears from my face as I headed for the ladder off the Bird’s Nest. None of us could help him with this because he wouldn’t let us. We just had to be patient and wait for him to come back to us.

  Dear God, please bring him back to us.

  ****

  As the male and female animals had been brought together for breeding to increase meat production, there was a lot of activity on the farm that the younger “city” kids had never seen before. The Scanlin girls and the Roush kids watched wide-eyed one morning as the bull, Titan, started th
e day off with his own chore—making more cows. There were a few heifers in season so he was availing himself of his harem. Moira and Aiden ran to their dad screaming, “Dad! Dad! That big cow is attacking the other cows! We need to stop him! He’s hurting them!”

  Matt and Nick had been standing by the fence watching the interactions of the livestock, followed by the former city kids’ reactions to it, and were laughing at the younger ones’ angst. Bob walked up behind them and gave them both a smack on the back of the head at the same time. They winced, rubbing their noggins. Matt whined, “Dang, that hurt, Mr. Bob. What’d you do that for?”

  Bob had crossed his arms over his chest and was scowling at them. “For making fun of those kids. Do you think if you were their age and had grown up in the city you’d know what was going on out there? You need to be setting an example. You’re damn near grown. They need to know how to live in this world. Teach them. No, you don’t need to tell them about the birds and the bees, but you could at least let them know that Titan ain’t hurtin’ them cows. Then their parents can explain the, er, specifics to them.”

  They both looked down, embarrassment on their faces. Nick spoke for them. “Sorry. We ain’t had a lot to laugh about lately and I guess we picked the wrong time. We’ll talk to them.”

  Bob looked over and saw Lee and Kate talking to all four kids. “It’s alright. Looks like their parents are working on that right now. Y’all get on with your chores. I’m sure you’ve got something you’re supposed to be working on.”

  “Yes sir,” both boys replied as they headed for the barn. Monroe was coming out and saw the chastised looks on their faces as they passed him. He walked over to Bob by the fence.

  “What’s up with them boys? You catch ’em smokin’ behind the barn or somethin’?”

  Bob relayed the story to his uncle, who snickered quietly. “Yeah, I reckon that’s somethin’ city kids ain’t ever seen before. Thought ole Titan was attacking them cows and heifers, huh?”

  Bob grinned. “Yeah, and it is kind of funny. They’ll laugh about it themselves in a few years, I’m sure. Kind of makes you wonder what city folks are thinking about this new way of life, how they’re getting by.”

  Monroe snorted. “You think there’s a bunch of ’em still alive, do ya? My guess is unless they were real smart and figured out what was going on, and that they were in the worst spot they could be, there ain’t many city people still alive—not any decent ones anyway. They’d have been trying to ‘get through it’ and ‘hold out for the government to show up to help’ and most likely killed for whatever they did or didn’t have by gangs. Nah, I’d bet the good folks are dead and gone. Only ones left in the cities are the parasites and assholes.”

  Bob nodded solemnly. “You know, I’d like to think that I was smart enough to know when this happened that we needed to get out here, but if it weren’t for Russ and Anne turning us into preppers we wouldn’t have had a vehicle that would have made it through the pulse to drive here. If we’d had to try to walk here, we wouldn’t have had the supplies we did after we went down this path, and most likely wouldn’t have made it. I wouldn’t have known all the things I know now about surviving. I didn’t think I needed to know. I can’t imagine how everything would be now if we hadn’t prepared for something like this.”

  “Yep, I’ve thought about that, too. Millie and I would have been alright, I think, but we wouldn’t have had so much stored up, especially stuff like gas and kerosene, solar panels, that kind of thing. And I never would have even thought about camouflaging the front. Hell, that’s part of living in the country; you and your neighbors are there for each other. But then, it ain’t the neighbors we’ve got to worry about now, is it?”

  Bob shook his head. “Nope. I’m afraid we may be dealing with those city gangs in the not too distant future, too. Where else are they gonna go? The food in the cities has got to be running low, or out. They’ll head for the country, hoping to find places like ours. It’ll get ugly, fast.”

  Monroe turned toward the house. “I don’t reckon there’s much we can do about that, son. All we can do is keep living life the best we can for now. If it happens, we’ll deal with it then. No sense in worrying about somethin’ that ain’t happened yet.”

  Bob followed his uncle across the yard. “No sir, there isn’t, but I’m betting we’ll be dealing with something before the summer is out. I’ve just got a feeling …”

  As they approached the porch, they overheard Kate offering a G-rated explanation of the behavior of the livestock.

  “You may see the boy and girl animals close together, and it may look like one of them is hurting the other, but it is perfectly natural. That is how babies are made. We need them to make more of their kind so we have food to eat this winter. Do you understand?”

  The kids had seen deer, rabbits, wild turkeys, even a wild boar, cleaned and cut up. Their shock at finding out where their food came from was quickly overcome by a child’s innate curiosity about pretty much everything. They took part in the butchering along with everyone else. They were much less affected by how the meat came to be on the table than by how the meat got started in the first place.

  Katlyn was looking up at her mother. “But, we don’t eat the babies, right, Mommy?”

  Kate smiled. “No, honey, we wait for them to grow up first.”

  Katlyn shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, Mommy. We need to go do our chores now.” She skipped off, her sister and a couple of dogs following.

  Kate laughed and turned to Lee. “Well, I think mine are good. How about yours?”

  Lee was watching his kids for any signs of confusion or trauma. “Guys? Do you understand, too? That it’s how nature works and how we grow more food?”

  Aiden was nodding but Moira was still wide-eyed. That was probably a lot of info for a six-year-old to take in. She slowly nodded as well.

  “Yeah, it’s cool, Dad. I get it now.” He glanced at his little sister. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he led her toward the rabbit hutches. “C’mon sis. Let’s go pet the bunnies.” He turned around and mouthed to his dad, “She’ll be okay,” and gave his dad a thumbs-up. Lee grinned at him and returned the gesture. He looked back at Kate.

  “They are resilient, aren’t they? To think, a few months ago I was trying to decide whether or not to sign Aiden up for t-ball and Moira for ballet. Now, I’m worrying about whether or not they are traumatized about how babies are made. I think it bothered me more than them.”

  Kate nodded. “If only everything in this new world could be explained and dealt with so easily.”

  Lee watched his kids walk across the yard with a far-off look in his eye. “If only.”

  ****

  Mike and Russ had the electronics for the solar panels spread out in the back of the barn. There were a couple of pallets of golf cart batteries there, along with a pallet of deep-cycle marine batteries. Mike was surveying the equipment, which included the solar panels and rolls of large electrical wire.

  “I’d say we can have a nice amount of power with all this. I’ll admit, though, I’ve never seen a setup with the smaller golf cart batteries. They’re only half the voltage; seems it would take a lot more of them to achieve the voltage you’re after, twice as many.”

  Russ looked at the pallets and then to Mike. “It does, but by using both the six-volt batteries and the twelve-volt we can have a longer running system.”

  “How so?” Mike asked.

  “Well think about it. A car, or boat in this case, needs a large amount of juice to get started. Then, once it’s started, it will slowly recharge the battery while the vehicle is running. They keep things going, but the biggest draw on the battery is on startup. A golf cart, on the other hand, doesn’t have a big energy draw on start up. It’s a pretty constant usage level, thus a constant drain as it runs down. So, by using both types together, we get the best of both worlds. Plus, the golf cart batteries are actually cheaper in the long run, take up less space, and are a good bit
lighter.”

  Mike looked puzzled. “So, you’re going to hook them all up together? How does that work?”

  “The batteries are hooked up both in series and parallel. Parallel is positive to positive and negative to negative. Series is positive to negative. When we connect two twelve-volt batteries parallel, we end up with a battery that has twice the power but is still twelve volts. The series set up with the same two batteries produces a twenty-four-volt battery with the same current as one. You follow?”

  Mike was nodding now. “Yeah, I’m with you so far. Which one are you going to use?”

  Russ grinned. “Both.”

  “Huh?”

  “Yeah, we wire them with both set ups to produce higher voltage and current. You can put as many together as you want. The batteries don’t care.”

  “Man, you really were ready for this, huh?”

  “I tried to be as ready as I could be for whatever happened. Honestly, this was the scenario I considered the least likely. I’m just glad I read up on stuff like this, just in case. But even if it had been any other apocalyptic event, sooner or later the power would go down. Those systems don’t stay running without maintenance. Did you even think twice about your job when everything went to shit? I didn’t, Anne didn’t, and Bob was on his way to work when it happened. Turned around immediately and came home.”